Chris A. Petersen

Strategic Thinker, Professional Speaker, and Workshop Facilitator

Building relationships with female coworkers

You may be familiar with the workplace myth, “We’re not at work to make friends.” In other words, the office is a place for an employee to be an efficient worker, not a place for socializing or forming relationships. It’s the same tired concept, that professional and personal are like oil and vinegar.

In reality, the traditionalists who believe this couldn’t be more wrong. Making friends at work is one of the most important things we’ll ever do. When you work a minimum of eight hours per day, five days a week, it’s safe to say a majority of your waking time is spent at work. As a result, it makes sense to want relationships with your coworkers.

However, a huge number of employees see work as a transactional experience. Although productive conversations take place in the workplace, meaningful bonds are not as plentiful. There are many reasons for this: shortened job tenures, social media (and the ease of messaging friends outside of work), and the blur between work and personal lives.

I have been associated with companies that completely restrict relationships internally and externally with others in the same field of employment. This practice is less prevalent today. When I began my career, a prominent company discouraged any friendships outside of normal work hours. Their practices mandated employees not to participate in sports together outside of work teams, not engage in personal relationships with coworkers, and at times, even recommended not sharing lunch together, especially outside of the office.

Today, work culture is the complete opposite. Companies place a huge priority on team-building activities and exercises in order to create an environment capable of fostering friendships in the workplace. A perfect example of this is e-commerce giant Zappos, whose core values focus on embracing change, creating fun, pursuing growth, and building a positive environment, as well as a family spirit.

Being friends with someone in the workplace is more than having fun with each other. It’s not about having someone to watch YouTube videos, gossip about recent events, or take extended lunches with. It doesn’t even mean you’re required to share your deepest, darkest secrets with your colleague.

Workplace friendships are about establishing a common sense of purpose, and that all-for-one, one-for-all mentality amongst employees. It promotes a group loyalty that can result in a shared commitment towards common work.
I have developed friendships in the workplace that transcended both the job and the company. I have carried great friendships from the first company I worked for to my employment today.

Aside from increased job satisfaction and performance, you might be asking yourself what the benefits of being friends with your coworkers are. Studies have placed more emphasis on the benefits such relationships have for companies, and not enough on the benefits for the employees themselves. Friendship at work can lead to three very important things:

1. Productivity
In the workplace, there is no such thing as independence. Even if you have always considered yourself a strong and independent person, a time will eventually come where you feel the need to ask for a favor or help from a coworker.

This is when the need to be friends with your coworkers is most prominent.

Friends don’t mind lending a hand, even when they have their own hands full. In fact, they are even willing to set their own work aside (on the condition it’s not urgent) to help you make a presentation for your next meeting, or stay after-hours to help you make a report.

Although coworkers will still lend a hand—whether or not you are friends with them—when your boss tells them to, friends actually want to do it without being told, and will put their best foot forward to ensure you don’t lose out. In short, workplace friends will undoubtedly have your back when the going gets tough.

2. Happiness
As mentioned previously, we spend more time at work than we do anywhere else. Having good friends at work can increase happiness, because it instills a sense of belonging or appreciation. Having someone to crack jokes or share light-hearted stories with while working can also have a tremendous impact on reducing stress.

3. Sanity
Work can be a little (or a lot) crazy, either because of the work itself or the people around you. When craziness happens, the only thing that will keep you from tearing your hair out from the roots is having someone to run to, who can empathize and understand.

When you make friends at work, you create a vital support network. Rooting for each other on promotions, consoling each other during rough circumstances, giving advice, or simply providing empathy and support for personal situations—these do wonders for individuals in the workplace.

How to Find A Mentor

Regardless of where or how long you have been employed, having a mentor is one of the more important resources you can have for your career. The sooner you seek a mentor, the better off you will be. Finding the right person may take time, but it’s important to find someone you respect and like to spend time with. I had the great fortune of having two extremely successful, professional women mentor me at the start of my career, and continued to have excellent mentors throughout my journey. It has made all the difference.

In an interview with my friend Patricia Valentino, she said, “When I define mentor, it’s somebody who has my best interest at heart, takes me under their wing, and helps propel me into the world for success.”

Not all of my mentors were women, but having females as my first mentors in the business world helped me a great deal. It’s not that men can’t mentor women—but it helps to have a woman’s point of view, especially in a male-dominated environment. They can be your guide and ally in many situations.

Here is one of my best pieces of advice: Find a female mentor who understands. Some time ago, I had recently changed my hairstyle—and was not happy with how it had turned out. (Just to be clear, I change my hair color and style quite often.) On this particular occasion, I wasn’t happy thanks to a bad hair day. I was set to give an important presentation, and I was concerned I would not do well. I’m not sure if it was the hair or the presentation, but either way, it was a really bad hair day.

Working with a female mentor who understood why I was upset comforted me, and she calmed me down before the presentation. In the end, I did well. Not having to explain to a man that my hair was the wrong color took away so much of my stress; her experience and empathy as a woman helped me let go of my worry. She didn’t dismiss my situation as unimportant.

Successful people learn quickly from others, and don’t do everything solo. By emulating successful people, you’ll be on your own pathway to success far more quickly. Some people insist on doing everything themselves, and while this isn’t necessarily bad, it can waste a lot of time. It’s okay to accept help, and it doesn’t mean you can’t be creative or add your own personality to a job.

Spend time with people who are enthusiastic and passionate about their success. Mentors should help guide you on a positive path and motivate you in your success. To have a great mentor-mentee relationship, you should also be someone who is enjoyable to mentor.

Here are tips I’ve learned from experience:

Be great at what you do – while this sounds obvious, it’s the most important thing you can do to get noticed.

Ask for more responsibility – have specific ideas for how you can contribute in deeper, more expansive ways. Be creative, and think outside the box.

Don’t be a wallflower – participate in all meetings, even “optional” ones. Volunteer to represent your team on important department or enterprise-level initiatives. Prepare ahead of time so you can meaningfully advance the discussion.

Promote the success of others – your generosity and openness are critical to your success and will be remembered.

Build your support network – reach out to groups within your company and outside your line of business. Learn what they do, and how you can help them succeed.

Mentors can come alongside you and help give advice in tricky situations, steer you clear of mistakes they have made, and offer support and wisdom in new experiences.

How to Decide Financial Goals

“A good financial plan is a road map that shows us exactly how the choices we make today will affect our future.” – Alexa Von Tobel

You decide your goals.

Not your mom. Not your dad. Not your boyfriend or girlfriend. You decide what kind of financial reward you want for the work you do.

According to Glenn Carter of Listen Money Matters, when you’re setting goals, it’s important to first figure out what it is you want. Carter writes, “You can’t do anything meaningful until you decide on some goals for the short term (this month), medium term (next 3-6 months) and long-term (1-2 years).” People should consider, “What stage are you at in life and where do you want to be?”

When you’re thinking about where you want to be, take these questions into consideration:

  • What kind of lifestyle do you want?
  • Do you want to have a family?
  • Where do you want to live?
  • What kind of food do you want to eat?
  • What kind of car do you want to drive?
  • Do you want to travel?
  • What kind of giver do you want to be?

Only you can decide how much money you will need to earn to consider yourself a “success,” but you need to determine that amount. Then, come up with a plan to achieve those financial goals.

Talk to a financial planner.

When I was first starting my career, I should have saved more of the money I spent. There was one winter a coworker and I went Christmas shopping together, and we literally blew through thousands of dollars. That’s the reason I advise every young person in business to hire a financial planner who can help you early on in your career to set and stay accountable to financial goals.

Having a financial planner can help you decide your saving strategies early on in your career, as well. When you get paid, you should put some of your income aside into savings, even if it is only a tiny bit. What’s important is for you to begin accumulating wealth and make it a habit.

Partner with a financial planner or advisor as soon as you get your first job. It doesn’t matter whether it pays $20,000 a year or $200,000. Not only can they advise on how to save for retirement, they may also provide insight on how to maximize your employer’s benefits package, or numerous other advantages.

Reevaluate.

As your career continues, you have to decide if the financial reward is worth the effort you are putting into your career, at every stage. This reevaluation can impact where, when, and how much you work.

If you like what you are doing and your employer gives many additional benefits, you may also determine you can work for less money and still consider yourself financially successful.

Don’t confuse money with fulfillment.

People often want to do something because it’s well paid. That doesn’t pose a problem, as long as the work involved is something you actually want to do and could see yourself enjoying.

If not, you may discover financial reward is not enough to make you happy. More money does not necessarily equate to more happiness. If you make $300k/year, but are working 70+ hours a week, constantly traveling, and have no time leftover to spend with your family or friends, let alone yourself, you may want to reconsider if the money is worth it.

According to Eric Roberge of Forbes, “When we look at more money as the ultimate goal, we will never feel satisfied that we have enough.” Money, therefore, shouldn’t be the primary objective. It’s merely the tool we use to obtain our goals, goals I believe should be centered around enhancing relationships and creating memories.

There is one question that will come up no matter what you end up doing: How much is enough?

This is a judgment only you can make.

Tips for Networking

Have you ever heard the phrase, “It’s all about who you know, not what you know”? Almost everyone has heard one variation or another. Today, networking is more critical than ever; not just for finding jobs, but for surrounding yourself with supportive and valuable teammates, friends, and mentors. Throughout my career, I have found the best resources are the people you know, or people they may know, who can lead you to the right position or give you the best perspective.

But how many of us have been taught how to network professionally?

I’e spent decades learning how to build valuable relationships. I know the importance of knowing the right people, especially at the start of your career. Here are my tips for learning how to network:

Work your existing network.

Networking can sound intimidating, especially if you think it means introducing yourself to strangers, CEOs, and industry leaders. Many times, we don’t even know where to start looking for these elusive “whos”. What you need to realize is, you already belong to many networks (family, friend groups, colleagues, church or civic club, etc.) and it can be a natural outgrowth of these primary contacts.

Each network connects to another network (e.g., your child’s teacher can connect you with other parents). What’s more, each member of a network may know of an available job—or any other need you might have—or at least have a connection to someone who knows of one.

When you’re getting started, you don’t need to begin from scratch. Investigate your current relationships. You’ll be surprised by who you’re already connected to.

Talk to people.

Talk to your parents. Talk to your friends. Talk to your coworkers. Talk to parents’ friends. Talk to your Uber driver. Talk to the stranger sitting next to you on the bus.

I talk to everyone; on planes and in restaurants, at my daughter’s school, at the gym, at the grocery store—basically anywhere and everywhere I am.

I ask people what they do, who they work for, if they like it, and if they would recommend it to others. You never know where a connection might lead. According to a survey conducted by LinkedIn and the Adler Group, “85% of critical jobs are filled via networking of some sort.”

I got my first job because I knew someone who worked in a company looking for multiple new graduates to whom they could teach their sales methodology to. A friend of mine got her first job because her dad worked for a data processing company, and he knew of an open entry-level position in his company. Many others I know got their first job almost by accident. So it’s important to keep talking. More than anything else, that will help you find the people you need to meet.

Connect on social media.

Most people today have some presence on social media, for the purpose of connecting with people—it is called the social network after all. If you want to network online, though, I recommend you establish a professional presence on social media.

The key word here is professional. If you want to use social media in a workplace environment, to build your work network, or to build your brand, your profiles need to have more depth than selfies. Put conscious thought into what you post, and think through how that reflects you, your brand, and your employer or business. This is a space for your digital resume. Take it seriously.

That being said, LinkedIn is a great place to share your work experience, credentials, honors, and awards. Facebook and Instagram are platforms to share appropriate photos and links. You can also use social media to connect with individuals or groups in the same workspace or industry as you, and communicate and collaborate digitally.

It’s ok to be picky. When it comes to social media, we can be tempted to think because we are able to connect with anyone, we should connect with everyone. We need to be choosy about who we let in our network, though, so we don’t risk our own credibility or image. By connecting with someone on social media, in a way you are saying you know this person and you vouch for them. Don’t put your professional credibility on the line for just anyone.

Build the right relationships.

What kind of people do you need to surround yourself with? Networking isn’t just about job connections. As you begin your career, you want to surround yourself with the right people who will highlight your strengths, support you in your weaknesses, and open doors for you that never would have been possible otherwise. These are the people you can go to for advice, perspective, feedback, and collaboration.

In several of my past posts, I’ve explored in depth some of the most essential people you should have in your network, including: a ghostwriter, a mentor, an attorney, and a financial planner. I also highly recommend building relationships with a key female executive and a recruiter. Whether you already have a job or not, recruiters are a valuable part of your team and can help you expand your network more than you can alone.

Start now.

Don’t wait to start growing your network. The sooner you start meeting the right people and establishing your professional social media presence, the better. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in high school, getting ready to graduate from college, or a mom of five. Connect now. Reach out and talk to people now.

You don’t need to do everything on your own. Partner with people who can give you guidance outside of your areas of expertise, and you can do the same for others in return.

Alcohol At Work Events: 10 Things to Consider

You probably haven’t had anyone talk to you about your “behavior” since you were in elementary school—classroom expectations on colorful poster paper taped to the walls, teachers constantly reminding you to sit still, raise your hand, use your inside voice, and keep your hands to yourself.

I’m not saying you need to raise your hand before you ask a question. I do think, though, that too often we assume because we’re “adults” and have a “grown-up job,” we don’t have to think about the way we’re behaving or how it affects other people and our careers.

Behavior is more important than almost anything else I will talk about. It will change your career and it will impact your relationships. When was the last time you evaluated your behavior?

In my post from September, What is Good Behavior vs Bad Behavior in the Work Environment, I discussed good and bad practices in the context of several common workplace situations. Some  settings can compromise our behavior more than others, which include: the infamous office party, sales kickoffs, work celebrations, and client dinners. The main reason? Alcohol—whether we like it or not, it can have a huge impact on the way we behave. In and of itself, alcohol isn’t bad; it’s only when we don’t establish and maintain boundaries that we risk losing control and engaging in inappropriate behavior, which can damage our reputation, relationships, and career.

Alcoholic beverages will be present at some events. That is a given. You should still be able to enjoy yourself, as well as engage with clients or executives. So how do you stay in control? Here are the boundaries I’ve implemented:

1. Never Get Drunk

 

 

It is never a good idea to get drunk. I have watched coworkers and clients intoxicate themselves and act in ways that were not only unsafe and shameful, but also could have ended in disaster for themselves or others.

I have seen people too intoxicated to find their hotel rooms, falling down in the middle of large ceremonies, and hooking up with married coworkers. Employees have completely missed meetings and presentations because they stayed out too late, or never actually made it to bed the night before. People have indirectly and directly lost their jobs because of out-of-control behavior.

2. Follow Company Policy

 

 

When in a work situation involving alcohol, stop and think before you order any drink, and take your first cue from your company culture and the behavior of your coworkers. Ask yourself the following sobering question:

Do successful employees, managers, and executives drink alcohol at company events?

If you want to be successful in your company and position, follow the lead of your successful peers and superiors.

3. Know Your Limits

 

 

Take your second cue from your own boundaries and background.

How does alcohol affect you? Does one drink make you giggly? Do two drinks result in slurred words, lowered guard, and excessive chatter? Does alcohol make you sick or give you an upset stomach?

Know your personal limits and decide how much you’ll drink over a specific time frame, and stick to it. Remember, this is not the same limit you’d set for girls’ night out.

4. Pace Yourself

 

 

If you decide to drink, sip—don’t guzzle. Pace yourself, it’s not a race.

Eat before the event and again during happy hour (peanuts and tapas can be your best friend). Nothing is worse than alcohol splashing around in an empty stomach. Also remember to drink water and stay hydrated.

5. Never Pressure Others

 

 

Don’t ever push alcohol on others. Believe your client or colleague when they say they’ve had enough, and don’t order another round without asking them first.  

6. Engage—Even if You Don’t Drink

 

 

Even if you choose not to drink, still participate in the event. You can opt out of drinking for personal, religious, or health reasons, but help others around you feel comfortable having a drink themselves by saying, “No thanks, I’m not a big wine/beer/liquor drinker, but please, go right ahead,” and continue to engage in the conversation.

7. Remember Your Goals

 

 

Remember, fun is not your primary objective. Never make the mistake of thinking a work-sponsored happy hour is a chance to “let loose” and “blow off some steam.” Enjoy yourself, but don’t treat it like a get-together with your buddies. Remember: supervisors, bosses, and clients will be there observing your behavior.

8. Focus on the Client

 

 

Client dinners are great opportunities to build relationships with clients. In a relaxed dinner environment, you can learn information that may help you become more aware of the client’s expectations and goals. Focusing on the client and engaging in conversation can make the client more comfortable and help strengthen the relationship. Alcohol can inhibit your ability to concentrate and connect, and if you lose control, even damage your relationship with the client.

9. Leave Inappropriate Situations

 

 

There is always the potential to find yourself in an uncomfortable position, whether it is with your peers, clients, or executives in the company. If the person you are with consumes alcohol, their behavior may become discomforting. If you don’t know what to do and you’re uncomfortable, make an excuse to leave, or have a friend call you to give you an opportunity to exit.

The important thing about these situations is that you are comfortable in your decision to stay or leave—making this decision can sometimes be harder than you think. In a client situation, you don’t want to offend them, but you should never continue in a position that makes you uncomfortable.

10. Don’t Drink

 

 

Finally, remember that you never have to drink—“no” is always an option. Respect your own boundaries and limitations, and if you know you have the tendency to lose control or engage in inappropriate office behavior when you drink, then politely abstain. Even if you’re only uncertain of what you’re comfortable with, don’t use this as an opportunity to experiment and discover your limits. Behavior has a direct impact on your career and relationships, so don’t ever put yourself in a situation that could compromise either.

 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy a drink during work events when alcohol is provided. However, knowing your limits and how you behave during these events is important and can make or break your career. Be smart and keep your career in mind.