Chris A. Petersen

Strategic Thinker, Professional Speaker, and Workshop Facilitator

Building relationships with female coworkers

You may be familiar with the workplace myth, “We’re not at work to make friends.” In other words, the office is a place for an employee to be an efficient worker, not a place for socializing or forming relationships. It’s the same tired concept, that professional and personal are like oil and vinegar.

In reality, the traditionalists who believe this couldn’t be more wrong. Making friends at work is one of the most important things we’ll ever do. When you work a minimum of eight hours per day, five days a week, it’s safe to say a majority of your waking time is spent at work. As a result, it makes sense to want relationships with your coworkers.

However, a huge number of employees see work as a transactional experience. Although productive conversations take place in the workplace, meaningful bonds are not as plentiful. There are many reasons for this: shortened job tenures, social media (and the ease of messaging friends outside of work), and the blur between work and personal lives.

I have been associated with companies that completely restrict relationships internally and externally with others in the same field of employment. This practice is less prevalent today. When I began my career, a prominent company discouraged any friendships outside of normal work hours. Their practices mandated employees not to participate in sports together outside of work teams, not engage in personal relationships with coworkers, and at times, even recommended not sharing lunch together, especially outside of the office.

Today, work culture is the complete opposite. Companies place a huge priority on team-building activities and exercises in order to create an environment capable of fostering friendships in the workplace. A perfect example of this is e-commerce giant Zappos, whose core values focus on embracing change, creating fun, pursuing growth, and building a positive environment, as well as a family spirit.

Being friends with someone in the workplace is more than having fun with each other. It’s not about having someone to watch YouTube videos, gossip about recent events, or take extended lunches with. It doesn’t even mean you’re required to share your deepest, darkest secrets with your colleague.

Workplace friendships are about establishing a common sense of purpose, and that all-for-one, one-for-all mentality amongst employees. It promotes a group loyalty that can result in a shared commitment towards common work.
I have developed friendships in the workplace that transcended both the job and the company. I have carried great friendships from the first company I worked for to my employment today.

Aside from increased job satisfaction and performance, you might be asking yourself what the benefits of being friends with your coworkers are. Studies have placed more emphasis on the benefits such relationships have for companies, and not enough on the benefits for the employees themselves. Friendship at work can lead to three very important things:

1. Productivity
In the workplace, there is no such thing as independence. Even if you have always considered yourself a strong and independent person, a time will eventually come where you feel the need to ask for a favor or help from a coworker.

This is when the need to be friends with your coworkers is most prominent.

Friends don’t mind lending a hand, even when they have their own hands full. In fact, they are even willing to set their own work aside (on the condition it’s not urgent) to help you make a presentation for your next meeting, or stay after-hours to help you make a report.

Although coworkers will still lend a hand—whether or not you are friends with them—when your boss tells them to, friends actually want to do it without being told, and will put their best foot forward to ensure you don’t lose out. In short, workplace friends will undoubtedly have your back when the going gets tough.

2. Happiness
As mentioned previously, we spend more time at work than we do anywhere else. Having good friends at work can increase happiness, because it instills a sense of belonging or appreciation. Having someone to crack jokes or share light-hearted stories with while working can also have a tremendous impact on reducing stress.

3. Sanity
Work can be a little (or a lot) crazy, either because of the work itself or the people around you. When craziness happens, the only thing that will keep you from tearing your hair out from the roots is having someone to run to, who can empathize and understand.

When you make friends at work, you create a vital support network. Rooting for each other on promotions, consoling each other during rough circumstances, giving advice, or simply providing empathy and support for personal situations—these do wonders for individuals in the workplace.

Alcohol At Work Events: 10 Things to Consider

You probably haven’t had anyone talk to you about your “behavior” since you were in elementary school—classroom expectations on colorful poster paper taped to the walls, teachers constantly reminding you to sit still, raise your hand, use your inside voice, and keep your hands to yourself.

I’m not saying you need to raise your hand before you ask a question. I do think, though, that too often we assume because we’re “adults” and have a “grown-up job,” we don’t have to think about the way we’re behaving or how it affects other people and our careers.

Behavior is more important than almost anything else I will talk about. It will change your career and it will impact your relationships. When was the last time you evaluated your behavior?

In my post from September, What is Good Behavior vs Bad Behavior in the Work Environment, I discussed good and bad practices in the context of several common workplace situations. Some  settings can compromise our behavior more than others, which include: the infamous office party, sales kickoffs, work celebrations, and client dinners. The main reason? Alcohol—whether we like it or not, it can have a huge impact on the way we behave. In and of itself, alcohol isn’t bad; it’s only when we don’t establish and maintain boundaries that we risk losing control and engaging in inappropriate behavior, which can damage our reputation, relationships, and career.

Alcoholic beverages will be present at some events. That is a given. You should still be able to enjoy yourself, as well as engage with clients or executives. So how do you stay in control? Here are the boundaries I’ve implemented:

1. Never Get Drunk

 

 

It is never a good idea to get drunk. I have watched coworkers and clients intoxicate themselves and act in ways that were not only unsafe and shameful, but also could have ended in disaster for themselves or others.

I have seen people too intoxicated to find their hotel rooms, falling down in the middle of large ceremonies, and hooking up with married coworkers. Employees have completely missed meetings and presentations because they stayed out too late, or never actually made it to bed the night before. People have indirectly and directly lost their jobs because of out-of-control behavior.

2. Follow Company Policy

 

 

When in a work situation involving alcohol, stop and think before you order any drink, and take your first cue from your company culture and the behavior of your coworkers. Ask yourself the following sobering question:

Do successful employees, managers, and executives drink alcohol at company events?

If you want to be successful in your company and position, follow the lead of your successful peers and superiors.

3. Know Your Limits

 

 

Take your second cue from your own boundaries and background.

How does alcohol affect you? Does one drink make you giggly? Do two drinks result in slurred words, lowered guard, and excessive chatter? Does alcohol make you sick or give you an upset stomach?

Know your personal limits and decide how much you’ll drink over a specific time frame, and stick to it. Remember, this is not the same limit you’d set for girls’ night out.

4. Pace Yourself

 

 

If you decide to drink, sip—don’t guzzle. Pace yourself, it’s not a race.

Eat before the event and again during happy hour (peanuts and tapas can be your best friend). Nothing is worse than alcohol splashing around in an empty stomach. Also remember to drink water and stay hydrated.

5. Never Pressure Others

 

 

Don’t ever push alcohol on others. Believe your client or colleague when they say they’ve had enough, and don’t order another round without asking them first.  

6. Engage—Even if You Don’t Drink

 

 

Even if you choose not to drink, still participate in the event. You can opt out of drinking for personal, religious, or health reasons, but help others around you feel comfortable having a drink themselves by saying, “No thanks, I’m not a big wine/beer/liquor drinker, but please, go right ahead,” and continue to engage in the conversation.

7. Remember Your Goals

 

 

Remember, fun is not your primary objective. Never make the mistake of thinking a work-sponsored happy hour is a chance to “let loose” and “blow off some steam.” Enjoy yourself, but don’t treat it like a get-together with your buddies. Remember: supervisors, bosses, and clients will be there observing your behavior.

8. Focus on the Client

 

 

Client dinners are great opportunities to build relationships with clients. In a relaxed dinner environment, you can learn information that may help you become more aware of the client’s expectations and goals. Focusing on the client and engaging in conversation can make the client more comfortable and help strengthen the relationship. Alcohol can inhibit your ability to concentrate and connect, and if you lose control, even damage your relationship with the client.

9. Leave Inappropriate Situations

 

 

There is always the potential to find yourself in an uncomfortable position, whether it is with your peers, clients, or executives in the company. If the person you are with consumes alcohol, their behavior may become discomforting. If you don’t know what to do and you’re uncomfortable, make an excuse to leave, or have a friend call you to give you an opportunity to exit.

The important thing about these situations is that you are comfortable in your decision to stay or leave—making this decision can sometimes be harder than you think. In a client situation, you don’t want to offend them, but you should never continue in a position that makes you uncomfortable.

10. Don’t Drink

 

 

Finally, remember that you never have to drink—“no” is always an option. Respect your own boundaries and limitations, and if you know you have the tendency to lose control or engage in inappropriate office behavior when you drink, then politely abstain. Even if you’re only uncertain of what you’re comfortable with, don’t use this as an opportunity to experiment and discover your limits. Behavior has a direct impact on your career and relationships, so don’t ever put yourself in a situation that could compromise either.

 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy a drink during work events when alcohol is provided. However, knowing your limits and how you behave during these events is important and can make or break your career. Be smart and keep your career in mind.

How to be Kind and Strong

Kindness and strength are vital in all aspects of life. You want to be kind to your family and friends, your coworkers and your clients. You also want to be strong for yourself, reach out of your comfort zone and be courageous in all of your endeavors; sometimes that is easier said than done.

When you’re bogged down by work, typically the last thing you want to do is be kind and offer strength to others; you just want to get through the day and go home. I get it, we all feel that way sometimes.

But, you have to do it anyway. Being kind to your coworkers makes the workplace more enjoyable in the long run, and being kind to your clients preserves relationships and sustains future partnership. Clients remember who was nice to them and who was not, and that’s a huge factor in if they choose to be repeat clients.

You also have to remain strong, which takes on many differents forms. Pushing through tough days and going even when you don’t want to is being strong. Being strong in your convictions and sticking to what you believe in is another. Don’t compromise your moral compass, as there will be times in your career when this will be tested. Also, remain strong and confident in your abilities and be willing to branch out and try new things. This will help you expand and continue growing in your profession.

Here are a couple ways I remember to stay kind and strong each and every day. I hope they can help you too.

Put Yourself in Their Position

It can be easy to get frustrated working with other people. We all have our own thoughts and ideas, and it can be hard to compromise with someone else when you have a strong belief in your vision. Instead of lashing out when they don’t agree or see your perspective, think about how you are feeling.

You want to do your best and put forth the highest quality product/presentation/project as possible. Well, so do they—this is their job and they have their own vision of how to achieve the best results.

When you can empathize and realize you both are working towards the same goal, it makes it easier to be kind to them.
This can also branch out into other scenarios such as a difficult client—they just want to buy the best product for their own professional or personal reasons. No one is trying to argue with you or ruin what you are doing. Everyone wants the situation to turn out right.

Know Your Convictions

Stay true to what you believe in. If an employer or client is trying to convince you to do something professionally or personally that you are not comfortable with, be strong enough to say no. You will feel better in the end, even if it costs you a client, though it probably wasn’t a client you want to work with anyways.

Include People

Everyone wants to be included. Invite the new coworker to lunch, explain what’s going on in the office lately, and keep everyone in the loop. I don’t mean gossip about other employees, but keeping others professionally informed on the projects going on.

Stand By Your Work

Take the blame when you mess up. It takes a strong person to not push the blame on to someone else, so own up to it, and then right the wrong. Employers don’t expect you to be perfect, but they expect you to put out good work and try your best.

In general, be yourself and stand by what you do. Be kind to others, and try your best to put forth good work, and you and your coworkers will all enjoy the workplace more.

Tips for Asking Good Questions

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “There’s no such thing as a dumb question,” right? It may be true, and of course it’s important to be curious and seek clarification, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put any thought into the questions you ask—especially at work, where time is valuable and everyone is focused on their own tasks. If you want to be as effective and efficient as possible in your question-asking, here are a few strategies sure it impress your boss and grow you as an employee.

Do Your Research
Before running to your supervisor every time you encounter a question about an assignment or project, try doing a bit of research first to see if you can’t find the answer on your own. Explore online—there’s a good chance Google will know. If it’s a question someone else has already asked, the answer you’re looking for might be in an email chain or your notes. Take the couple of extra minutes to search your inbox—you don’t want to waste your supervisor’s time having to repeat information when the answer was already available you.

Make a Plan
Determine exactly the information you need before you ask your question. Have a purpose for what you are going to ask, and then do so efficiently. Is your question clear and concise? How much background information is actually necessary? Don’t beat around the bush, either, and don’t ask too many questions at once. Also find out what time of day is most convenient for your coworker or boss. Be respectful of their schedule so you’re not interrupting phone calls, meetings, or crucial work time. Make a plan, practice in your head, and then ask away.

Keep it Professional
Only ask questions you really need the answers to. Nosy, personal questions are distracting, unnecessary, and unprofessional. Ask questions relevant to the projects you are involved in and need to know about.

Be Authentic
Only ask questions you don’t know the answer to, and don’t use questions as an opportunity to push your opinion. If you have an opinion to share, state it openly. Don’t try to obscure it behind a question mark. Save asking questions for things you don’t know.

Be Thoughtful
Your supervisor will notice if you have taken the time to craft a quality question. Such thoughtfulness will demonstrate you are not only a capable employee, but are also respectful of their time. These well thought-out questions will also show your ability to iterate and improve your thoughts, as well as your ability to tackle challenges from every angle. So take the time to think about the topic at hand, figure out what you need to know more about, and then ask the appropriate question.

By following these principles, you may ask fewer questions, but you’ll find the more careful and intentional you are with your questions, the more you will ultimately learn. Such intentionality will help you to think critically and deeply, as well as impress your employers. Curiosity leads to improvement and growth, but only if you ask the right questions at the right time. So keep asking… after you think.

How to Develop Good Relationships with Coworkers

Oftentimes people in the workplace hear opposing opinions on the role of friendship and its place in the work environment. One side says, “We’re not at work to make friends.” These companies look at the potential downfalls of incorporating friendship into the business plan–such as excessive chatter, romantic entanglements, problems for people who struggle with separating work from play, creating conflict-of-interest scenarios, and challenging independent judgment.

While these are valid risks of encouraging positive relationships in the workplace, this mindset is is focused on making work the transactional center of efficient people tackling a list of tasks. However, research proves allowing and promoting team-building is more beneficial in the long run for employees.

In the past, companies who sat on the “no friends” side of the fence restricted opportunities for their employees to build relationships. Oftentimes this took the form of discouraging employees from participating on the same sports team, romantic relationships, and in extreme cases even discouraging eating together on lunch breaks.   

Companies that sit on the other side of the fence (and in this day and age, most companies are pro-friendship) stress the need for healthy work relationships, placing value in team-building exercises in order to foster friendship in the workplace. People can make or break the work environment, and how they relate to one another is critical. Friendships at work can produce extremely desirable things:

  1. Increased and steady productivity
  2. Steady levels of happiness and enjoyment
  3. And finally, providing stable mental environments

It’s important to have healthy relationships with your coworkers in the office. It provides avenues for workers to problem solve and tackle projects together; instead of feeling like an obligation, camaraderie and relationship building creates a situation of a friend needing assistance to finish a big project.

On average, the full-time employee spends eight hours a day at work. The critical variable: is the work environment draining and detrimental to productivity, or are there people to offer jokes, light-hearted stories, and a shoulder to lean on during times of large workloads, resulting in a welcoming space to work? Introducing opportunities for employees to forge work friendships not only allows a time to de-stress, but also a time to laugh.

Which ties into the final point – staying sane. When the deluge of hectic craziness hits, sometimes only a shared groan can remind you that you’re human. Making friends in the workplace creates a support network and does wonders for morale, mental health, and productivity.

Regardless of where you work, more often than not you will have to interact with people; you will have a boss, you will have people you’re serving, and you will have people you’re working with. Developing and maintaining good relationships with coworkers is important.

Let’s look at ways to cultivate and develop good relationships with coworkers:

Know how to present yourself

Putting your best foot forward is always intimidating when beginning a new job or beginning a new friendship. Being personable and confident in the skills you have, as well as who you are, allows you to interact with coworkers about tasks and assignments, providing avenues to break the ice. While it may take time to learn how to perform the responsibilities of the position you’ve been hired for, it’s also important to learn how to integrate yourself into the company.

Use good communication skills

Communication takes work – and is learned through a trial-and-error process. Listening, asking questions, being honest, being open, and being prepared and confident in what you’re trying to say are all important pieces of being a good communicator. Getting personal allows you to build a connection by focusing on how a message is being understood by the listener. Ensuring that the information you’re passing on in a conversation is correct is critical. If you lack confidence in whether or not your information is valid, admit uncertainty. When speaking with another person, avoid superfluous and vague words and phrases that would detract from what you’re saying. Most importantly, effective communication is knowing what, when, and how to communicate with those around you. By being a good communicator, people can get to know you on a deeper and more personal level, resulting in friendship.

Establish appropriate boundaries

Remember, building relationships with coworkers is so that the workload goes faster and getting through it becomes more efficient. If, instead, you use the workplace to pick up a romantic relationship, it will complicate not only how you relate to the individual you’re now seeing, but the dynamic between you and the other workers. Keeping in mind that the workplace is the environment to develop strategies to work better, instead of a place to find new drinking buddies is helpful for drawing those lines.

Learning how to separate professional and personal relationships

In some cases, you may be privy to more knowledge about a situation than your coworker friend, and you’ll be faced with the choice of either sharing what you know even though it’s detrimental for the information to be shared, or keeping the information from your friend but dealing with feelings of betrayal. Or you may be in a scenario where you and your friend are competing and being ranked against each other. A necessary skill is learning how to celebrate your friend’s success when they do better than you, and how to maintain friendship through jealousy which may result from doing better than your friends.