Chris A. Petersen

Strategic Thinker, Professional Speaker, and Workshop Facilitator

Building relationships with female coworkers

You may be familiar with the workplace myth, “We’re not at work to make friends.” In other words, the office is a place for an employee to be an efficient worker, not a place for socializing or forming relationships. It’s the same tired concept, that professional and personal are like oil and vinegar.

In reality, the traditionalists who believe this couldn’t be more wrong. Making friends at work is one of the most important things we’ll ever do. When you work a minimum of eight hours per day, five days a week, it’s safe to say a majority of your waking time is spent at work. As a result, it makes sense to want relationships with your coworkers.

However, a huge number of employees see work as a transactional experience. Although productive conversations take place in the workplace, meaningful bonds are not as plentiful. There are many reasons for this: shortened job tenures, social media (and the ease of messaging friends outside of work), and the blur between work and personal lives.

I have been associated with companies that completely restrict relationships internally and externally with others in the same field of employment. This practice is less prevalent today. When I began my career, a prominent company discouraged any friendships outside of normal work hours. Their practices mandated employees not to participate in sports together outside of work teams, not engage in personal relationships with coworkers, and at times, even recommended not sharing lunch together, especially outside of the office.

Today, work culture is the complete opposite. Companies place a huge priority on team-building activities and exercises in order to create an environment capable of fostering friendships in the workplace. A perfect example of this is e-commerce giant Zappos, whose core values focus on embracing change, creating fun, pursuing growth, and building a positive environment, as well as a family spirit.

Being friends with someone in the workplace is more than having fun with each other. It’s not about having someone to watch YouTube videos, gossip about recent events, or take extended lunches with. It doesn’t even mean you’re required to share your deepest, darkest secrets with your colleague.

Workplace friendships are about establishing a common sense of purpose, and that all-for-one, one-for-all mentality amongst employees. It promotes a group loyalty that can result in a shared commitment towards common work.
I have developed friendships in the workplace that transcended both the job and the company. I have carried great friendships from the first company I worked for to my employment today.

Aside from increased job satisfaction and performance, you might be asking yourself what the benefits of being friends with your coworkers are. Studies have placed more emphasis on the benefits such relationships have for companies, and not enough on the benefits for the employees themselves. Friendship at work can lead to three very important things:

1. Productivity
In the workplace, there is no such thing as independence. Even if you have always considered yourself a strong and independent person, a time will eventually come where you feel the need to ask for a favor or help from a coworker.

This is when the need to be friends with your coworkers is most prominent.

Friends don’t mind lending a hand, even when they have their own hands full. In fact, they are even willing to set their own work aside (on the condition it’s not urgent) to help you make a presentation for your next meeting, or stay after-hours to help you make a report.

Although coworkers will still lend a hand—whether or not you are friends with them—when your boss tells them to, friends actually want to do it without being told, and will put their best foot forward to ensure you don’t lose out. In short, workplace friends will undoubtedly have your back when the going gets tough.

2. Happiness
As mentioned previously, we spend more time at work than we do anywhere else. Having good friends at work can increase happiness, because it instills a sense of belonging or appreciation. Having someone to crack jokes or share light-hearted stories with while working can also have a tremendous impact on reducing stress.

3. Sanity
Work can be a little (or a lot) crazy, either because of the work itself or the people around you. When craziness happens, the only thing that will keep you from tearing your hair out from the roots is having someone to run to, who can empathize and understand.

When you make friends at work, you create a vital support network. Rooting for each other on promotions, consoling each other during rough circumstances, giving advice, or simply providing empathy and support for personal situations—these do wonders for individuals in the workplace.

How to Find A Mentor

Regardless of where or how long you have been employed, having a mentor is one of the more important resources you can have for your career. The sooner you seek a mentor, the better off you will be. Finding the right person may take time, but it’s important to find someone you respect and like to spend time with. I had the great fortune of having two extremely successful, professional women mentor me at the start of my career, and continued to have excellent mentors throughout my journey. It has made all the difference.

In an interview with my friend Patricia Valentino, she said, “When I define mentor, it’s somebody who has my best interest at heart, takes me under their wing, and helps propel me into the world for success.”

Not all of my mentors were women, but having females as my first mentors in the business world helped me a great deal. It’s not that men can’t mentor women—but it helps to have a woman’s point of view, especially in a male-dominated environment. They can be your guide and ally in many situations.

Here is one of my best pieces of advice: Find a female mentor who understands. Some time ago, I had recently changed my hairstyle—and was not happy with how it had turned out. (Just to be clear, I change my hair color and style quite often.) On this particular occasion, I wasn’t happy thanks to a bad hair day. I was set to give an important presentation, and I was concerned I would not do well. I’m not sure if it was the hair or the presentation, but either way, it was a really bad hair day.

Working with a female mentor who understood why I was upset comforted me, and she calmed me down before the presentation. In the end, I did well. Not having to explain to a man that my hair was the wrong color took away so much of my stress; her experience and empathy as a woman helped me let go of my worry. She didn’t dismiss my situation as unimportant.

Successful people learn quickly from others, and don’t do everything solo. By emulating successful people, you’ll be on your own pathway to success far more quickly. Some people insist on doing everything themselves, and while this isn’t necessarily bad, it can waste a lot of time. It’s okay to accept help, and it doesn’t mean you can’t be creative or add your own personality to a job.

Spend time with people who are enthusiastic and passionate about their success. Mentors should help guide you on a positive path and motivate you in your success. To have a great mentor-mentee relationship, you should also be someone who is enjoyable to mentor.

Here are tips I’ve learned from experience:

Be great at what you do – while this sounds obvious, it’s the most important thing you can do to get noticed.

Ask for more responsibility – have specific ideas for how you can contribute in deeper, more expansive ways. Be creative, and think outside the box.

Don’t be a wallflower – participate in all meetings, even “optional” ones. Volunteer to represent your team on important department or enterprise-level initiatives. Prepare ahead of time so you can meaningfully advance the discussion.

Promote the success of others – your generosity and openness are critical to your success and will be remembered.

Build your support network – reach out to groups within your company and outside your line of business. Learn what they do, and how you can help them succeed.

Mentors can come alongside you and help give advice in tricky situations, steer you clear of mistakes they have made, and offer support and wisdom in new experiences.

How to Decide Financial Goals

“A good financial plan is a road map that shows us exactly how the choices we make today will affect our future.” – Alexa Von Tobel

You decide your goals.

Not your mom. Not your dad. Not your boyfriend or girlfriend. You decide what kind of financial reward you want for the work you do.

According to Glenn Carter of Listen Money Matters, when you’re setting goals, it’s important to first figure out what it is you want. Carter writes, “You can’t do anything meaningful until you decide on some goals for the short term (this month), medium term (next 3-6 months) and long-term (1-2 years).” People should consider, “What stage are you at in life and where do you want to be?”

When you’re thinking about where you want to be, take these questions into consideration:

  • What kind of lifestyle do you want?
  • Do you want to have a family?
  • Where do you want to live?
  • What kind of food do you want to eat?
  • What kind of car do you want to drive?
  • Do you want to travel?
  • What kind of giver do you want to be?

Only you can decide how much money you will need to earn to consider yourself a “success,” but you need to determine that amount. Then, come up with a plan to achieve those financial goals.

Talk to a financial planner.

When I was first starting my career, I should have saved more of the money I spent. There was one winter a coworker and I went Christmas shopping together, and we literally blew through thousands of dollars. That’s the reason I advise every young person in business to hire a financial planner who can help you early on in your career to set and stay accountable to financial goals.

Having a financial planner can help you decide your saving strategies early on in your career, as well. When you get paid, you should put some of your income aside into savings, even if it is only a tiny bit. What’s important is for you to begin accumulating wealth and make it a habit.

Partner with a financial planner or advisor as soon as you get your first job. It doesn’t matter whether it pays $20,000 a year or $200,000. Not only can they advise on how to save for retirement, they may also provide insight on how to maximize your employer’s benefits package, or numerous other advantages.

Reevaluate.

As your career continues, you have to decide if the financial reward is worth the effort you are putting into your career, at every stage. This reevaluation can impact where, when, and how much you work.

If you like what you are doing and your employer gives many additional benefits, you may also determine you can work for less money and still consider yourself financially successful.

Don’t confuse money with fulfillment.

People often want to do something because it’s well paid. That doesn’t pose a problem, as long as the work involved is something you actually want to do and could see yourself enjoying.

If not, you may discover financial reward is not enough to make you happy. More money does not necessarily equate to more happiness. If you make $300k/year, but are working 70+ hours a week, constantly traveling, and have no time leftover to spend with your family or friends, let alone yourself, you may want to reconsider if the money is worth it.

According to Eric Roberge of Forbes, “When we look at more money as the ultimate goal, we will never feel satisfied that we have enough.” Money, therefore, shouldn’t be the primary objective. It’s merely the tool we use to obtain our goals, goals I believe should be centered around enhancing relationships and creating memories.

There is one question that will come up no matter what you end up doing: How much is enough?

This is a judgment only you can make.

Find Your Balance

Some of the best advice I can give you, and something I wish I had known sooner, is how important it is to find a good work-life balance. I spent much of my early career hyper-focused on work, so much so I missed out on a lot of other important memories and milestones. I was not always present for the events in my daughter’s life when she was younger, and even when I was physically there, oftentimes my mind was still at work. I wish I had paid more attention and given myself that family time.

Throughout my career, I’ve learned your balance can change and shift depending on your current needs. When I first started working, I was young and single, and focusing on my career was the right move; I was able to make a good income and climb the corporate ladder. I spent time with my friends and parents, but my focus was work, and that was right for me. It may be right for you as well, so listen to yourself and what you personally need. Our goals and circumstances are often good indicators of where we need to place our focus, and what balance should look like in our lives.

For example, do you feel like you’re missing out on your children’s lives because of work? Maybe you need a change of pace. Are you single and in a new city? Maybe focusing on your career now will pay off later. Are you feeling burnt out at work? Take some time to explore something else you enjoy, whether that be hiking more often, signing up for an art class, traveling, or building more time into your daily routine for reading.

As I said, when I was young, it was good for me to focus on work. However, a few years later I met my husband, got married, and we had our daughter—I needed to change gears a bit. Work was and still is very important to me, but I had to make room for my family. Depending on your own personal goals and family life, you might also need to make room for your personal time.

If you spend every second focused on your job—for months, years, decades—you will burn out. No matter how much you love what you do, you can only do the same thing for so long—make sure always give yourself some freedom to pursue outside interests and do what brings you joy. As I got older, I noticed as my friends were getting married and having babies, and I was still in a relationship with my career, I no longer fit in with those friends. I would want to meet for drinks after work, and they all suddenly had curfews to get home to tuck their kids in or have dinner with their family. It was me, myself, and I.

Don’t let yourself get to that point. I’m not saying you have to have a family, but find something that fulfills you, like a book club, a fitness routine, or some sort of hobby where you can make friends and spend some time out of the office. Your mental health will thank you in the long run.

Finding a balance in your life is so important for maintaining relationships with not only partners, but also friends and family. It keeps you sane, happy, and healthy, and will make you a better employee. If you let yourself burn out, you won’t be putting forth your best effort, so create for yourself a happy medium.

How to be Kind and Strong

Kindness and strength are vital in all aspects of life. You want to be kind to your family and friends, your coworkers and your clients. You also want to be strong for yourself, reach out of your comfort zone and be courageous in all of your endeavors; sometimes that is easier said than done.

When you’re bogged down by work, typically the last thing you want to do is be kind and offer strength to others; you just want to get through the day and go home. I get it, we all feel that way sometimes.

But, you have to do it anyway. Being kind to your coworkers makes the workplace more enjoyable in the long run, and being kind to your clients preserves relationships and sustains future partnership. Clients remember who was nice to them and who was not, and that’s a huge factor in if they choose to be repeat clients.

You also have to remain strong, which takes on many differents forms. Pushing through tough days and going even when you don’t want to is being strong. Being strong in your convictions and sticking to what you believe in is another. Don’t compromise your moral compass, as there will be times in your career when this will be tested. Also, remain strong and confident in your abilities and be willing to branch out and try new things. This will help you expand and continue growing in your profession.

Here are a couple ways I remember to stay kind and strong each and every day. I hope they can help you too.

Put Yourself in Their Position

It can be easy to get frustrated working with other people. We all have our own thoughts and ideas, and it can be hard to compromise with someone else when you have a strong belief in your vision. Instead of lashing out when they don’t agree or see your perspective, think about how you are feeling.

You want to do your best and put forth the highest quality product/presentation/project as possible. Well, so do they—this is their job and they have their own vision of how to achieve the best results.

When you can empathize and realize you both are working towards the same goal, it makes it easier to be kind to them.
This can also branch out into other scenarios such as a difficult client—they just want to buy the best product for their own professional or personal reasons. No one is trying to argue with you or ruin what you are doing. Everyone wants the situation to turn out right.

Know Your Convictions

Stay true to what you believe in. If an employer or client is trying to convince you to do something professionally or personally that you are not comfortable with, be strong enough to say no. You will feel better in the end, even if it costs you a client, though it probably wasn’t a client you want to work with anyways.

Include People

Everyone wants to be included. Invite the new coworker to lunch, explain what’s going on in the office lately, and keep everyone in the loop. I don’t mean gossip about other employees, but keeping others professionally informed on the projects going on.

Stand By Your Work

Take the blame when you mess up. It takes a strong person to not push the blame on to someone else, so own up to it, and then right the wrong. Employers don’t expect you to be perfect, but they expect you to put out good work and try your best.

In general, be yourself and stand by what you do. Be kind to others, and try your best to put forth good work, and you and your coworkers will all enjoy the workplace more.